Edward's Escapades
by twilightlover001
Summary: A little story about what happens when Edward is a human and is late for school. Might be turned into a collection if people like it. It's better than its summary.
1. Maybe it's Maybelline

**One: Maybe it's Maybelline**

Edward Cullen had overslept and was running late for school. Quick swipe of the teeth, quick splash of the face, and he was ready. Oh wait. His Chapstick! Without looking, he quickly swiped it over his mouth. Some got on his teeth, but Edward thought, _hey, it's just Chapstick. No one will notice. _He snatched up his book bag and jumped into his car. He couldn't wait to see Bella again, even though she had only left the night before. He made it to school just as warning bell rang. _Oh man. No breakfast for me today, I guess. _The school had great breakfast. Bagels, muffins, coffee rolls, the like. Five minutes till homeroom. He had to see Bella. He rushed toward her morning hangout. "Bella? Bella!" he called. And then almost ran smack into her when she leaped out from behind a pillar. "Surprise!" She said and then stopped short. Confusion ran across her face, followed by surprise, then annoyance, and he could have sworn he saw a brief flicker of amusement. But it was gone when she glared at him again. "Is this some kind of joke?" she demanded. "Because it is so not funny. Take it off."

Edward was confused. _Take what off? _ And he said exactly that. "Take what off, Bella?" He had absolutely no idea what Bella was trying to tell him to take off or why. Bella spun him around to face her friends. "Eve, Tanya, look. He thinks this is funny. And he's pretending to play dumb." Evelyn, a girl I had never liked, spun around to face me and Bella. I grinned lightly at her, not sure what reaction I was hoping for. She gasped. "Is that…?" she whispered in shocked horror. Bella nodded. "Yes."

I was utterly bemused. "What is your problem, ladies?" I cried in exasperation. They didn't seem like they were joking, but what did I know about girls and their jokes? It was really getting to me. "No, Edward," Bella hissed. "What is _your _problem?" I just wanted to get this over and done with. I was late for homeroom. "I really have no idea what I did wrong!"

Bella, strangely, seemed taken aback. "You really don't know?" She asked, scrutinizing my face for signs of lying. "No," I replied. "I really don't." Bella sighed and started tugging me down the hall towards the bathrooms and shoved me roughly into the girls' room. I was shocked. "What's the big idea, Bella?" I complained, "If I get caught in here…"

Bella suddenly turned on me. "If someone finds you in here, not my prob," she said. And that would be better than _this," _she spat, spinning me around by the waist and shoving me in front of one of the mirrors.I took a look… and got a shock.

_Oh my god. I'm wearing Bella's expensive lipstick. And it's all over my teeth. _"Dammit!" I roared, pounding my fists against the sink with much more force than necessary. I turned on the water full force and started rubbing my mouth. Bella shut it off and whacked me upside the head. Eve snorted. "Dummyward really can't get a clue, can he?" she mumbled to Bella loud enough for me to hear. I expected Bella to stand up for me, but she did the axact opposite. "No," she agreed. "Dummyward really can't." To my face, she said, it's waterproof. You can only get it off with these special wipes, which I ran out of two days ago. I guess I left my lipstick at your apartment last night. Teaches me a lesson." She turned onher heel and stalked off, calling "I'm late" over her shoulder. My teachers would never let me cover my mouth the whole day. _Crap, I am in some deep doo-doo. _Unless…

"Alice?" I asked once she picked up. She was laughing. "On your own here, buddy. You've really ruined it this time! I don't have no wipes. Oh, and Bella says she's dumping you." My face fell. Bella came over the phone. "I confirm," she said solemnly before she, Evelyn, Irina, and Tanya broke out in fits of giggles. I slid my phone shut and did the same to my eyes. Bella had already told Alice. I knew perfectly well that Rosalie, my other sister, would laugh in my face whether TIE (Tanya, Irina and Eve) had told them or not. Damn. _Oh my gosh. Mrs. Doyle is going to kill me. _I was half an hour late for classes. I all but sprinted there and arrived breathless and dizzy. Mrs. Doyle, as predicted, pounced on me like a hawk. "Excuse, Cullen?"

I cannot think right now. At all. "My salamander ate my homework," I choked out. Mrs. Doyle snorts. "And did your salamander then regurgitate the worksheet?" she sneered. I had no idea it was a joke, so I decided to wing it.

"By no means did he _regurgitate _the paper. He _vomited out _half of it. The other half, uh, y'know, came out, uh, the back end."

The class erupted in a universal giggle fit. Tanya was in hysterics. "The _back end? Oh boy, Edward!" _she cried. Only then did I realize what I had just been saying.

"uhh," I squeaked and ran from the room.


	2. Edward Might Not Get his Butt Kicked

**Two: Edward Might Not Get His Butt Kicked**

_**NOTE:**__ if you have not read the Harry Potter series, you should skip this story. Hope you liked 'Maybe it's Maybelline'._

* * *

Edward Cullen was staring into his 4x magnifier mirror when a young boy jumped out at him. "Crucio!" the boy called, pointing what looked like a twig at him. Suddenly, Edward was in all-consuming, agonizing pain. "ohhhhh," he moaned. "uhhhh…"

The young boy grinned and lowered the object. "I'm JP. And I am your master."

No longer being tortured, Edward was irritated. "No way in hell am I taking orders from an eleven-year-old."

A murderous look crossed JP's face. "I am _twelve _years old, for your information! And I attend Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Comprehension dawned on Edward's face as he realized who this boy was. He was the infamous star of J.K. Rowling's most popular series. _Damn it. _"You're no JP," he snarled. "That's your father."

Harry smiled. "Caught on, have you?" he said. "_Harry Potter _kicks _Twilight's _ass." Edward rolled his eyes. As much as he hated being stuck onto idiot fangirls' posters and having random people make out with images of him on their bedroom walls, he had to defend his creator. "No way, Potter. I'm sensing jealousy." Harry snorted. "Yeah, right. Gorgeous Edward Cullen."

Edward was irked. Couldn't the other females realize he was dating Bella? Even the girls in the series did not understand that. Every day, he saw his pale ugly self on tee shirts and key rings and on DVD. Every day, girls broke up with their boyfriends immediately after finishing Breaking Dawn because 'they weren't Edward Cullen.' Every day, people were asking out his dad because he looked young and they thought he was single. Every day, Volvo dealerships were robbed by teen girls looking for his car. Because of him, Volvo was losing money and new cars. He felt terrible. He thought that once _New Moon _ was released, everyone would start hating him because he'd hurt Bella. But no, since all the fangirls were jealous of Bella, they started loving him even more. Every time he was recognized, someone ran up to kiss him. He hated that too.

"Little orphan Harry's turned Death Eater?" he taunted. "Dumbledore would be so disappointed."

Harry was mad. "_CRUCIO!"_

_Boom, _ goes Edward. He wanted to die. This was almost as bad as leaving his beloved Bella. _So much pain…_

"Stephenie Meyer is such a bitch," Harry said. "She charges for signatures and keeps it for herself. JKR, on the other hand, donates thousands to charity. And Meyer is fat."

_Y'know, maybe I shouldn't defend Meyer. He's got a point._

"What House are you in?" Edward groaned. "I forget." He really had forgotten. Huffleclaw? Ravenpuff? Grafinder? What was the other one? He knew there were four. Harry replied then. "Gryffindor," he said. _Gryffindor, not Grafinder. I knew that._

"oh, okay," he said. "The intelligent house, right?"

Harry frowned. "The brave." _Oh, I knew that. Then Raven-whatever is the intelligent house, then. _Then he realized that Harry had stopped Crucio-ing him. _The Cruciatus Curse…_

"The Cruciatus Curse," Edward murmured aloud. "That's how your dad died."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Get your facts straight. That was Neville. My dad died…" he hesitated. "By the Avada Kedavra." He then looked down at Edward. "How did your dad die?" Edward jumped a little bit, taken by surprise. "How'd you know my dad was dead?" he asked. Harry looked at him. "I may despise your kind, and your series, Edward," he said. "But I have read the Twilight saga. Sorry excuse for a book. He died before you, right?"

Edward cringed. "Yes. Spanish influenza."

Harry looked slightly surprised. "When?" Edward did not have to think about his answer. "Nineteen-oh-one." Harry nodded. "What was his name?"

"Edward."

"Ah. So you are Edward Junior."

"Yes."

"Siblings?"

"Only child."

"Mother?"

"Died after my dad."

"Name?"

He was dragging up old memories, ones that Edward had always suppressed, deep in a crevice of his mind, ones that he didn't want to remember. The smell of death all around him, the doctor declaring that his dad had only hours to live, the weak voice of his mother commanding him to stay alive. His mother taking her last breath. His mother being carted away to the graveyard. The racing of his heart as his teeth chattered, knowing that his heartbeats were numbered…

"Edward?"

"Oh! Uh… Elizabeth."

"Okay. How old was she?"

"STOP!"

"Sorry," Harry said, and he sounded like he meant it. Edward was near tears. Elizabeth had been only thirty-three.

"uh. Okay. I think I'd better leave. Ginny and I have a lunch date." He was smiling lovingly. The way he thought of his Bella.

"Bye."

"Edward, we will meet again soon. I'm only in second year, and that dang bugger Voldemort got away again."

He tossed some powder into the Fireplace, shouted, "Diagon Alley!" And was gone.

* * *

_**NOTE: **__Hey guys, it's Eliza. Liking the story so far? Leave a review. I love those. So does Harry. Speaking of, JP was for James Potter, Harry's dad's name. That was Floo powder he just used. And Ginny is Ron's sister. Ah, and go ahead and hate me, but Harry Potter really is better than Twilight. All you infatuated fan girls, shoo. This is not for you. Oh, and make sure to tell me whether or not I captured the essence of 'tragic' in Edward's memories of the hospital. If you have not read Harry Potter, Google him. And if you haven't yet, read 'Honey, you're a WHAT?' (my other story) right now. We will in fact meet Harry again in the chapter 'Harry Returns', which I will start writing soon. Remember, reviews are like candy to me! ;)_

_Love n' kisses!_


	3. Harry Returns

**NOTE: **Hello_ people! it's Eliza here, reporting live from my room! Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. If I did, I would have that kiwi green Ford Focus I've been dying to get. I mean it doesn't make any sense because I'm not old enough to drive it anyway, but I just loved that 2012 Ford Focus as soon as I saw it. The '13 Focus is probably better, but hey. So, hope you liked the second chapter. Edward is a vampire in this one, and he was in chapter 2. There will be an assortment of human and vampire Edward stories. This is the Harry Returns chapter, and I will be posting an 'Edward gets his Butt Kicked' chapter in which Voldemort kicks Harry's butt. If you have still not read 'Honey, you're a What?' there is an excerpt from it on my profile page. I might do another story in which a large mob of teen girls robs a Volvo dealership. Or maybe one where Edward comes home to find a large mob of teen girls with cameras at the ready and all his pants stolen by fangirls. Tell me which one you want, and I might do it. Happy Independence Day! I really have no idea why I am writing fan fiction on July 4. I have a life, you know. Can you believe it's on a Thursday this year? I love 2013. So I'm writing. Let us all shout it loud. "Eliza is writing fan fiction on July 4, 2013!" okay, good. Now, I care about my readers, so I try to post as often as possible. Great big Thank-Yous and even bigger hugs to StarrySky528, for listening to my whining and__ whinging__ about why I need to change the sentence from 'Edward is a sparkly loser' to 'Edward is a sparked-up chooser' or 'Edward needs to kill Jacob' to 'Edward needs to eat a corncob'. I once asked her if Edward pooped glitter, and she said "Sweetie, he pees glitter. He doesn't _eat_, he just drinks, so he couldn't poop anything anyway." Oh, the genius of StarrySky528. I love her. Big hugs to Christina, too. She keeps my abysmal grammar in check. I'm babbling now, aren't I. Go and read the story of Edward and Harry. Hugs!_

* * *

**Two: Harry Returns**

_Edward was looking into his mirror again, talking to himself. "Harry may have been right-" _When he heard a BANG! Behind him and a familiar voice called out, "Crucio!"

Edward was pissed. _Speak of the devil, _he thought as he convulsed in pain on the ground. _He's worse than damn Jane._ When Harry finally let him up, he started ranting. "Damn it Harry! I thought we were friends! What the hell, is this your standard way of greeting! Even vampires aren't immune to this shit!" He started pacing the room.

Harry looked contrite. "So sorry, Ed. And believe it or not, this _is _ my standard way of greeting for people I have known less than six months."  
Edward was not ready to forgive him. "Six months?" he growled. "I may have to cut you out of my guest list." Harry smiled grimly at him. "You can't, not until this is over. And Edward, I was almost eaten by a basilisk. A Torture Curse is nothing to me." To say the least, Edward was confused. "What is a _basilisk? _How did that even happen? Until what is over?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "You are so clueless. Remember how I told you Voldemort got away? Well he is back and we need to stop him. He almost killed my Ginny. I need revenge." His eyes flashed. "And the Weasley's are In horrible danger. We need to kill him." He seemed pleading, almost desperate, _What am I getting out of this, besides the thrill of battling a wizard?_

"What do I get out of this?" he asked. "Let's say I'm a, hm, mercenary. I demand a fee." He was not hoping for money. He was hoping for a different kind of payment, and he hoped the young boy could take a hint.

"Six month's supply of fresh blood," he said. _Yes! He got the hint! But I bet I can get more. _"Nine months," Edward demanded.

The boy nodded. "Nine months, ok," he said. "Let's jump ship, he's outside the school." He took Edward's hand and stepped into the fireplace, then tossed a little bit of powder into it. The flames went green. "What the-" he started, but Harry was already yelling, "Hogwarts!" And suddenly they were spinning through what seemed like a network of fireplace openings. He saw a little old woman turning a teacup into a cat and back again, a man putting his cable box back together by magic, and a lot of other strange scenes he couldn't even comprehend. He opened his mouth for a split second, and suddenly his eyes and mouth were full of dust and soot. Of course, the venom melted it all away after a couple seconds, but he was surprised. Suddenly they stopped, and Harry stumbled and ate dirt. Edward snickered. _Humans and their silly accidents, _he thought. Harry glared at him. "Cru-" and then he stopped. "Buggers. I need you in tip-top shape for your fight. I'll torture you later."

Edward just smiled. He'd had much worse. They stepped out into a round room that looked similar to Carlisle's office in terms of the furniture. The objects, however, were mystifying to him. The most interesting of them all was a big bowl with a silvery substance inside. He walked over to it and was about to stick his finger in when Harry dashed over. "Don't touch that!" he cried. "It's Dumbledore's!" _Dumbledore? Um… Headmaster. Later replaced by Severus Snape. Killed by said replacement. _"Is Severus Snape a teacher at this school?" He needed to know. "Cause he's going to kill Dumbledore."

Harry was horrified. "No! He can't be that cruel! I mean- um- actually, yes he can be."

Edward just shrugged. "So, little guy, let's kick some ass." He was ready for a big fight. So when some bald pale guy sauntered into the stone circle, Edward was surprised. "Who is the White-Out colored baldy?" he whispered. "Your Grand Dad?"

Harry sniggered. "White out colored? Says the kid who looks like new snow. Do people call you Pasty?"

"No," Edward replied. "And I am not the color of white-out, and I am not a kid. I am old enough to _be _your granddad."

"You're seventeen."

"_You _are twelve. _I _am one-oh-eight. I was _changed _at seventeen. Brush up on your Twilight."

"Sorry excuse for a book. Even sorrier excuse for a writer. No way."

"_EXCUSE ME?!"_

"Face it, Eddie. Your girlfriend is pathetic. _Waah, my boyfriend dumped me, why don't I go commit suicide? _Does that sound familiar to you? What kind of example is that showing to impressionable teens? And you are even worse. _Oh, my girlfriend wants to see her friend. The friend that kept her sane while I was off in Brazil hunting a redhead to cheat on Bella with. Why don't I rip her car engine apart? _Oh, and let's not forget: _I started sneaking in to a girl's window to watch her sleep, and she didn't even know my name yet! And then why don't I hold her hostage at my house! And maybe I'll even knock her up and almost kill her in the process! And to top it off, why don't I SPARKLE like a friggin' FAIRY!"_

Edward was angry, and an angry vampire is not the best to be around. "Jacob was a young werewolf. Her life was in danger! Look at Emily Young! And I was not tracking Victoria to _cheat on Bella with her! _How dare you entertain the notion! I was trying to kill her! And again, young werewolf! And I couldn't help it! Do you think I _wanted _to go in her house like a burglar?

Harry, holding her at my house was just a precaution, and yes, I am so happy about baby Renesmee, but you really think I was trying to kill my soul mate?"

Harry shook his head as if disappointed. "Soul mate? No wonder all the haters say you're a total pansy. The fan girls describe it as caring and being spiritually in tuned and all that shit. Honestly, _soul mate?"_

"Yes, soul mate. And do you think I sparkle on _purpose? _If stupid Meyer hadn't had that stupid dream-" He stopped when he realized what he had said. Harry would be up his nose forever. But Harry just chuckled. "You said 'stupid' twice. But let's admit it, you do look like a fairy in the sunlight. Now remember, we need to get over our differences and fight Voldemort."

"Glad you finally remembered," a high, cold voice boomed from behind them. "Double _CRUCIO!"_

* * *

_Okay viewers! Reporting live from my room on EE! Hope you liked Part 2! Okay, so here's the deal. I thought of all these different ways Edward could meet Bella, and I have no clue where to put them! Maybe I will post another story… have you read Forever: A Twilight Song yet? New. I hope you don't think it's stupid. Anyway, I might not do anything with them… toss them in my zebra print metal waste can… but maybe if you want to read them, review or message me. If 10 people or more ask, I'll just post it. 5 or more I will send out to reviewers. Five or less and nobody gets it. Read Harry Potter yet? Liking Ed's Esc's? Good? Bad? Blah?_

_I am worried about all my stories. Things are as slow as molasses. Thanks to StarrySky528 (Jane) and Christina! Tina, I love your constant support, you're always there for me! Jane, thanks so much for not slapping me when I said 'what if people hate my writing?' for the millionth time. I know I deserved it. Hugs!_

_Love n' kisses!_

_Eliza_


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